September 8, 2005
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New Poem
I am really struggling with this one and before I abandon it for greener pastures, I am posting it for feedback and suggestions. I am drawing a blank as far as titles go, although I have a “working” title for the time being that I don’t like very much…will Lady_Songbird or Cassildra work their magic touch again or will it be someone new?
Better Luck Next Time
I can’t quite remember
what I went searching for
as I stoop, collecting memories
in the shadow that is us.
It is strange to be alone again,
stranger still that I don’t mind.
I feel a melancholic happiness
with my newfound solitude.
I blow the dust off boxes
planning a new life without you,
nothing left now but the details
as we sort out our divorce.
Which books are yours?
What inner dreams belong to you
and which are mine? Our end,
so common place, so extraordinary.
The worst of the controversy is past
and our contact now is minimal.
I feel exposed in the sunlight, taking
the last of your clothes to the porch.
I watch in silence as
you walk across the yard,
pick up the laundry basket
muttering, better luck next time.
Comments (5)
I don’t know, maybe “Split Shadow” would work well for your title. This is a bit of a rough piece… hm. Although maybe that’s because this is always a subject that hits home with me…
In the last line of stanza four, shouldn’t “common place” be one word?
I enjoyed this & felt the upheaval of emotions. As for titles, what come to mind for me are “Life After” or “Piece by Piece”.
Hmm, no suggestion on the title, though I do like the above “Piece by Piece”, or maybe “Pieces of….(insert here). The only thing I thought didn’t fit was the line, “as we sort out our divorce”. I’m not sure you even need to say divorce, it was good having it implied. Sorry, everyone is a critic, and goodness knows I couldn’t write a poem to save my life.
Love it otherwise, full of emotion like the rest of your pieces.
The divorce line didn’t quite work for me either. I’m liking “Piece by Piece” as a possible title…have to see what other feedback I get…
I agree on the divorce line. Finding Myself comes to mind. Shadows Of A Past. Slain Memories. Just a few titles for your perusal.
Nicely done.