November 14, 2005
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New Poem
Hi gang, new poem. I want to ask specifically two things when you go to give feedback on this one:
1. Does the repetition work or is it annoying?
2. Does the title work or can you think of something better that more closely suits the mood?
Anyway, without further ado…
Burning
I burned I burned I burned
I walked home burning and heavy
burning with unrequited anger
heavy from the words that weighed me down
heavy from words that lay like
lead in my stomach
heavy and hot from anger and words
that could not be loosened to fly
free unabated from my tongue
because you would not listen
because I could not say them
It seemed a new thing to me
that I walked upon, these
slabs of pavement
forced between the legs of mother earth
but the raped mother ultimately
claiming the pavement
her green fingers growing
between the cracks
driving them apart
and I stared at the raping pavement
inviting me to it
a cool inviting lover
and I burned I burned I burned
I felt to heavy to walk home
sidewalk inviting me to lay my
heavy burning body upon it
to lay on its cool surface
inundating my heat with cool
supporting the weight of words
I could not carry
Lay down lay down lay down
you burning heavy thing
and I wanted so to lay down
on cool pavement nestled
on the pubic hairs of mother earth
and how I burned
stumbling home beneath the weight
knowing if I laid my head
I would not rise again
Comments (12)
OOoh the burning. Boy can I relate to that. Excellent imagery there, Jan. Well done.
RYC: I’m 44 and have one grand daughter already, and these two on the way. My oldest is 25 and the youngest is 18 and a freshman in college. Yup. I’m old. I can hear my knees creeking
I burned mentioned once would get the point across agree? Other then that a strong piece…
Two’ I burns’ for me.. I like the poem very much !
I like repetition myself.
Peace and Love:)
Thanks for your comment
This is a lovely poem and I don’t think there’s too much repetition, it contributed to the overall rhythm. Title is appropriate, maybe you wanna change the tense- from ”burning” to “burned”?
Btw, are you submitting this poem for a contest or something?
RYC: thank you, Jan. I agree with you about her. How brave she is.
the title is good to me.
The imagery is very good, but for some reason I had difficulty reading it, the flow of it maybe. But hey, I’ve liked every single one so far, it was about time. <G>
I’m a songwriter and use a lot of repetition as well… it totally works for me.
ryc: Thanks for your comment. I know I am not alone in the “difficult” mother department.
Too many burns I think. Very good poem Jan. Thank you for your thoughts, and best wishes for your grandma.
i’m burning too.
Oh I like the repition Jan, very much. And the use of metaphor, excellent. I think the title pretty much conveys the main thought of the poem, sometimes it’s just the simple phrase that expresses an idea well. Plus, the poem itself is very intricate, so the simple title actually compliments it pretty well.
I’m no expert , just my partial opinion.
RYC: Oh, I’d love to hear your thoughts! That’s partly why I post my stuff, so I can hear critiques on how to develop and hone! Let me know, and thank you for stopping by lady.
talk to ya later!
Strong, gripping, & compelling. The only thing I can think of is perhaps, “I burned, burned, burned” instead of the thee “I’s” in there. It just flows better that way to myself when I read it. Otherwise, beautiful work.
I dont read a lot of poetry. That said… The repitition was good. Some of the lines seemed to break in odd places though. But then, I read poetry like I would prose.